If you find it hard to say “no” or are rarely speaking your mind, you likely have a passive approach to communication. Maybe even to living. If you are not afraid of how things fly out of your mouth, and are only focused on your needs, you likely fit an aggressive style that can leave others hurting and distancing from you. Both styles can lead to hurting you or someone else.
One thing I have learned is that I used to value keeping the peace more than showing up and being real in relationship. I did not even know I was doing that, but I learned I was serving “peace” rather than genuine relating. Then, I realized I was selling myself short and everyone around me. I valued their needs over mine and at times could not identify my needs because I had lost touch with them long ago. I now believe it is human to have needs and it is spiritual to voice our needs and that this builds deep, authentic, realistic relationships. It is unrealistic to expect others to know what I have need of without asking specifically for it.
In Matthew 20:29-34, Jesus asked the two blind men who called out to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” He likely knew their need, but wanted them to be specific with their faith in asking for what they needed from this relationship, so they could connect intimately.
Again, Jesus challenged a man in need, “Do you want to get well?… Get up! Pick up your mat and walk” (John 5:1-14). He was looking for bold, faith-filled, assertiveness. Someone who was serious about what they needed and willing to speak up about it, even act upon it.
It can feel risky to admit you have needs, ask for what you need, and that you need people or God. In order to be true to yourself, and be close to others, embrace humility in your vulnerability, muster your faith, and speak your mind calmly with courage and kindness.
This phrase may help you take responsibility for your feelings and communicate what you need without blaming someone else as the problem. Counseling can help build assertiveness skills so you feel more authentic and more in charge of your life without appeasing others or pushing others away.
“I” Statement format: “I feel ________ when you _________ because __________.”
About the Author: Dr. Kara White, Psy.D.