Dr. Harris Summer 2018 Reads Suggestions
Some days are good. Really good… Some days are bad. Really bad… The bad days have progressively become more frequent. The hope of good days is beginning to fade.
It was a long day after a long week. Come to think of it, it’s been a long year. My daughter and I curled up in bed watching a movie as we fell asleep. I heard the sound of Adrian’s key turn in lock. My eyes immediately popped open. The door swung open and slammed against the wall. At that moment, I knew Adrian had been drinking. “It’s a bad day,” I thought to myself. The dog jumped and my daughter gripped me in fear. I squeezed her hand in an attempt to comfort her and possibly to reassure myself.
I jumped out of bed in an attempt to sooth Adrian. Not sure what to expect, I carefully walked on eggshells so as to not set Adrian off into a rage of anger. Nevertheless, verbal daggers in the form of criticism and put-downs were quickly thrown toward me violently striking me in the heart. I frantically attempted to nurture and reason with Adrian. I desperately wanted to prevent the explosion I knew was coming. With one sweep of Adrian’s arm, my late grandfather’s heirloom shattered into a million pieces on the dinning room floor. I felt angry, sad, and scared. Adrian walked away with no regard for what he had done. I quickly and silently gathered some items and left with my daughter and the dog.
The next morning, I woke up to several texts messages and voice messages from Adrian pleading with me to come back, promising me that the drinking is over for good and making commitments to get help and seek counseling to gain control over the anger. I thought to myself, “Today will be a good day. Maybe Adrian will finally follow through. Maybe we can finally escape this horribly destructive pattern.” My second thought was, “Adrian has promised all of this before. What will make this time different? We have gone through this pattern countless times before.”
My final thoughts were, “I do not want this life for my daughter, for myself, nor for Adrian. This time, I will change the pattern. This time I will seek support for myself.”
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2015), “Domestic violence is prevalent in every community and affects all people regardless of age, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, or nationality. Physical violence is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior as part of a much larger, systematic pattern of dominance and control. Domestic violence can result in physical injury, psychological trauma, and even death. The devastating consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime.”
Obtain further information at www.NCADV.org
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If the above depicted relational pattern is one that you find to be familiar, please seek help. Your life is worth it.
Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Or, online go to www.Domesticshelters.org
DCADV. (2015). Domestic violence national statistics. Retrieved from www.ncadv.org
Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright© 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation.
In the wake of the Ashley Madison scandal, the topic of how to recover from an affair has been heard frequently on media sites. At the core of discovering an affair are the feelings of deceit and betrayal. If you have been affected by a partner’s sexual infidelity, you might be feeling devastated, overwhelmed, hurt, sad, alone, and confused. You may have attempted to make sense of the impact and you might wonder how did you miss the signs. You might also blame yourself. Please know that it is not your fault, and you deserve the time to sort through your feelings and take care of yourself (and your children, if you have any). There are many types of affairs, including one-night stands to electronic affairs, which include cybersex relationships, email and texting intimate relationships, as well as visiting escort services. Regardless of the type of affair you might have discovered, you feel betrayed and deceived.
The discovery of an affair presents like a traumatic event. You might feel disoriented and confused. This is similar to what we see in victims of tremendous loss. You might experience flashbacks of the details of the discovery, paralyzing memories and dreams. You might also experience emotional triggers, which could be anything from hearing a phrase, seeing a color or walking past a place that triggers the memory of the affair. You might also feel despair, anger and rage.
For those who are looking for the answer to “why did this happen”? Many factors can contribute to a spouse being unfaithful, and many of those factors have nothing to do with sex. Affairs are symptoms of a larger intrapersonal problem that presents in a painful interpersonal experience. Some of the issues behind affairs are sexual addiction, low self-esteem, alcoholism, selfishness, and personality challenges. Also, problems in the marriage that have been building for years can leave the door open for an affair. Please keep in mind regardless of the reason behind the affair the unfaithful partner bears the responsibility of being honest about the affair and telling the truth. It takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face what they have done to the relationship and their partner and to deal with their character flaws and to move forward and earn forgiveness and hopefully regain trust.
If you are deciding to stay in the relationship after the betrayal has been discovered, the process of rebuilding trust after an affair is beyond difficult. Keep in mind that you can only be ready to rebuild trust after going through denial, shock, anger, rage, and then acceptance and walking through forgiveness. This can take anywhere from 18 months to 3 years, as long as there are no other reoccurring, inappropriate incidences. By engaging in an affair, the foundation of the relationship has been impacted, which means that trust, honor, and commitment are damaged and will need to be repaired. Also, your perception of the marriage with your partner is now tainted. Additionally, making the decision to stay in the marriage can be difficult. You might be ambivalent, feeling as if you want the marriage to work one day and the next day you might be ready to call an attorney and walk out. Rebuilding trust can vary depending on the lived experiences of the person who has been betrayed. The person who had the affair will have to demonstrate that they can be trusted again. This will require consistency, honesty and transparency. If you are deciding to leave the relationship, you will still need to do work to heal from the betrayal so that the pain is not carried over into another relationship. Please contact a licensed mental health clinician to help you walk through the pain and healing.
Recovery comes in phases. There are several steps to recovery from an affair, but before those steps are taken, you must first attend to your immediate needs. Try to get your regular amount of sleep and rest, eat balanced meals, find someone who you trust and who is trustworthy to talk to, preferably a therapist, and get exercise.
The stages for recovery for the person who was unfaithful:
The stages for recovery for the person who was betrayed:
Discovering an affair does not mean that your life is over. It can mean that you are starting to build on a stronger, transparent foundation. It can also mean that you learn to state your needs and feelings and that you get to know a part of yourself that wasn’t clear to you prior to the affair. It can also mean that the both of you can make a new commitment to a deeper level of trust, transparency and intimacy. This is indeed a process that requires many steps, patience and prayer.
Dr. Peonita Harris is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has a doctorate in clinical psychology, certified sexual addiction therapist candidate, and is an ordained minister. Dr. Harris has been practicing for over 15 years as a pastoral counselor and a marriage and family therapist. Her primary area of care is relationships, intimacy and sexual concerns.