Sep

Addiction and Isolation in the Time of COVID

by Nicholas Guerrero, M.S.W., LSW, CADC in Active, Addiction, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Depression, emotional health, Healing, physical health, Uncategorized Comments: 0 tags: Addiction

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.”

― Herman Melville

A pandemic in the time of a pandemic, “COVID-19 and addiction are the two pandemics which are on the verge of collision causing a major public health threat.” (Dubey, 2020). During the Covid-19 pandemic there has been an alarming rise in substance use and overdoses. “The coronavirus disease is causing an insurmountable psychosocial impact on the whole of mankind. Marginalized communities, particularly those with substance use disorders (SUD), are particularly vulnerable to contract the infection and also likely to suffer from greater psychosocial burden.” (Dubey, 2020) This “psychosocial burden” is a cause for concern for those struggling in substance abuse and recovery.

While we all are suffering in some way right now, the most vulnerable of us, as always, are suffering the most. A major factor in the increase in drug and alcohol use is isolation. And, isolation is a major risk factor in relapse. What makes this so difficult is that we as a society are encouraged to isolate now more than ever. The conflict comes then while we are supposed to be isolating, as much as possible; we are now isolating those who need the support system the most. Since the invaluable support groups are not encouraged to meet in person, many 12 step and recovery groups have moved online. While positive that they are occurring, the social component of the groups is what draws people in. Online forums and zoom meetings are good, but they do not hold up to the quality, human connection, and positive influence of an in person group.

This world wide pandemic has been difficult to navigate for everyone, however we need to be extra aware of those who are struggling or who have struggled with substance abuse and addiction. I ask, please reach out to those who you know have struggled in the past or are struggling now. Many who may seem to “have it under control” are under new stressors, challenging even the best of coping skills. In this novel time we should be reaching out to a friend or family member and checking in on them. We can all use a caring person in our life right now, it just takes a minute to send a text or give someone a call.

For those reading this and are thinking ‘well, ll I have noticed I have been drinking more’ or have increased frequency of drug use, please consider this. Many who may have historically been “just a social drinker” or “recreational user” may even have noticed an increase in their use. Reach out and talk to someone as well. This is an unprecedented time in our history, stress is at an all time high. It will not hurt to reach out and talk to someone, maybe it can alleviate just a little of that stress that we are all feeling.

Dubey, M. J., Ghosh, R., Chatterjee, S., Biswas, P., Chatterjee, S., & Dubey, S. (2020). COVID-19 and addiction. Diabetes & metabolic syndrome, 14(5), 817–823. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dsx.2020.06.008

Apr

Better Than Before

by Rev. Dr. Peonita Harris, Psy.D., LMFT, CSAT, CDWF in Active, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Depression, emotional health, Healing, physical health, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: anxiety, depression, mental health

We all want another chance to get something right, or to be granted a do-over. The one question that continues to be paramount is: How do we get through this time? A time that appears to have no set end. Every report, conference, appointment has been completely refocused to include the impact of COVID-19 on our society, bodies, business, finances, families, churches, communities, race, culture and emotions. Most Americans have experienced heightened anxiety, low mood, loneliness and isolation.

When I first started learning therapy skills, I learned the power of reframing. I took a workshop that was about interventions. We had to describe the picture we saw as the presenter placed a different frame over each picture. I started thinking about this exercise a couple of days ago and thought, in order to make this better, we have to think about this time differently. We need to REFRAME this. How can we not only survive this, but thrive through this so that at the end we are better than before? I struggled to this of this differently. This is only a reset, so that we can rest, so that we can recommit. Let me explain what I mean.

Reset – Reset can be viewed as a re-entry to the state of zero, or to start over, or to be given another chance. To start afresh. I thought, the year has already started, that was our reset. We made commitments to ourselves, we started new schedules, started a new journal and thought through the old. We said farewell to Auid Lang Syne (Scottish for days gone by). We let go so that we can enter in. We embraced what could be and set our hearts to engage in new possibilities with great anticipation. Our goals were set, our schedules were set, we were engaged and then all of a sudden it all came to a halt. In Using a different frame: We have been given the gift to reset again. What a treasure and what a wonderful opportunity. In resetting, we can clear out the last three months and try one more time. What was not there prior, we can now add. We can start anew and embrace the beginning once again.

Lexapro is my first medication when I was depressed and had various anxiety disorders. it only helped a little but since I was undergoing intensive therapy it was not enough in my opinion. Check out more info about Lexapro medication.

Rest – During this period of time we have also been given the gift of rest. I think about this more in terms of respite. Although we were only in the 3^rd month of the year, some of us were deeply engaged in completing our goals and well-set to move through to the summer with great anticipation of warmth and beauty. We were running hard and moving fast. All of a sudden it all stopped. In Using a different frame: I picture respite as a little slice of joy. I see myself resting near a pond with my toes in the warm water, the warmth of the sun on my back and the sound of beautiful birds chirping in the background. I lean back to get the full warmth of the sun as I listen to the most beautiful sound that only God can create – Birds chirping, the warm wind blowing and the thought that I’m in the best place ever. This is what the scripture means in Hebrew about entering into His rest — His rest. Everything about respite was created by Him. Even this small slice of time in which we are resting, and becoming comfortable with what is so odd, with what we cannot control. Take a deep breath and enter into His rest. Hebrew 4:10 – For whoever enters into His rest, he also ceases from his own works, as God did from His.

Recommitment – The commitment we made at the beginning of the year, a couple of months ago seem so far away. In Using a different frame: This is an opportunity for a recommitment to self. One of the promises that we don’t want to break is a promise we made to the self. The promise of want to do better, be better and live better. Some of us had already picked up bad habits. We had fallen back into the late arrivals, the bad eating, the loss of sleep, the loss of connection with others. In the 3^rd month, this started to look like the old schedule we wanted nothing to do with. This period of time gives us the opportunity to recommit to self. To do what we said. It also gives us the opportunity to recommit to family. What a wonderful word. It is always and has been complex but yet deep. It has been layered, but yet beautiful. Family is this amazing group of people that we all have been gifted with who teach us so much. Family teaches us about how deeply we can love, and how often we can forgive. This is a recommitment to our faith, as well. The very essence of who we are and why we are. It is a reassurance of what we stand for and who we are.

Yes, we will get through this. What appears to be suffering, fear and sadness, we will get through it. We will come out of this and we will be better than before as we use this time to reset, rest and recommit!

Apr

COVID-19 – The Worry of Violence From An Economic Crisis: Just Another Day For The Poor

by Stephanie Rose Torres, M.A., LPC in Active, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Depression, emotional health, Healing, physical health, Uncategorized Comments: 0 tags: mental health

“The opposite of poverty is justice.” Bryan Stevenson, lawyer and social justice advocate
“Like slavery and apartheid, poverty is not natural. It is man-made and it can be overcome and eradicated by the actions of human beings.” Nelson Mandela
“He that oppresseth the poor, reproacheth his Maker; but he that honoureth Him hath mercy on the poor.” Proverbs 14:31

As the federal and state sanctions unfold, in response to the Coronavirus, I find myself grateful that our nation and city are taking steps to flatten the curve of the outbreak. In so doing, it can prevent widespread panic, economic crisis, and subsequently, thoughtless violence. However, while I feel grateful, I realize I also feel afraid. And while I am sure I am not alone, rather I am joined by many Americans across the country, I also realize that my fear of unchecked panic turning violent feels eerily familiar. I think, “When have I felt this before? This fear of leaving my house, and coming in contact with people?” Then I remember, “Oh. My childhood.”

Growing up in a moderate- to high-crime neighborhood, fear was a common feeling. Not to mention, being a female and a child/youth meant I was part of a population that was vulnerable to certain crimes. I would not have admitted it then, because the fear was masked by its defensive cousin: anger. However, no matter how the fear was presented, it was a sort of oppression–“mental pressure of distress” (Oxford Dictionary). In this state of fear, I learned from various sources that “I can’t cross the front gate”, “I shouldn’t look at people when I’m walking down the street”, and “even if I feel like someone is going to touch me [perversely or violently], I should hit them”: this way, I would be aware of the real dangers I faced, and the damage to me would be minimal.

Then, things changed. As I journeyed from the inner city via CTA to a better high school and college education, I noticed a different type of oppression: one centered around race, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status (SES). It was no longer a physical issue, it was a mental one. I did not have the words to describe it then, so I initially tolerated the microaggressions silently: my peers turning away dismissively when I would begin to speak in group discussion, and chuckling comments like, “I’m sorry, can you say that in English?” when I was clearly speaking English. Seemingly unprompted, I became more aware of my Latina-ness, and the “inequitable distribution of power” (Wyatt & Hardy, 2008) I experienced as a person of lower SES and of color. I was unaware and unprepared for this kind of danger.

This experience of loss of power–“the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events” (Oxford Dictionary)–subsequently exposed me to feelings of inferiority. Dr. Kenneth V. Hardy describes the positions in this struggle as 1) the privileged and 2) the subjugated (Hardy, 2016). And, let me tell you, feeling inferior: MADE. ME. ANGRY. I played reels of violent responses in my mind. But over time, I built a thickness of skin and learned to speak, and write, and hold my ground relentlessly. Psychotherapy and the prayers of persistent parents shaped my perseverance. Yet my anger did not resolve. To cope, I often shamed myself, believing that this aggressive predisposition did not fit my childhood experience. I would tell myself, “I came from an intact family, my parents were involved and supportive, and Christian values were a high priority in my education”. My mind would circle back to the question, “So, where did the aggression come from?” After wrestling with this for years, I have since been able to ask a more telling question: “when (or, in what instances) was anger experienced? And from where did I learn how to respond?”

As an adult, I have gained life-changing insights from my training in patterns of behavior and Life Styles–“This expression does not refer to a particular way of life, but to how different aspects of the personality [emotional and cognitive organization] work together” (Oberst & Stewart, 2005, p. 19). I have come to understand that in my early years of anger and fighting, it was often for the purpose of 1) protecting others, or 2) exerting my own physical/mental power in response to others’ imposition of power over me (i.e. self-defense, or perceived unjust use of power by peers or authority). I can now argue that my aggression was the start of a passion for social justice. So instead of shame, I receive empowerment, and invite wisdom to guide me to healthier responses. Therefore, as I currently fear the outbreak of violence, introspect my own history with anger and violence, and study patterns of behavior, the question begs, “what will make people violent in a time like this?”

And the answer is the same: Poverty. Inferiority. Loss of power.

Poverty is not merely the absence of money, it is a psychological state of powerlessness. The Institute for Research on Poverty (IRP) posits that “scarcity experienced as a result of economic instability and poverty reduces already limited cognitive resources, resulting in detrimental behaviors and ineffective decision-making ” (2011). IRP additionally exposes that poverty has also been linked to higher risk of illness (2013). This means that unhealthy decision-making and risk of illness in the poor or under-resourced is not based on biological inferiorities, rather, it is based on the psychological oppression of the experience of powerlessness. Further, people of color and the underrepresented (to varying degrees, and despite income status) encounter a similar psychological experience of powerlessness. And finally, I would argue that this reveals that ANYONE, despite privilege or skin color, is capable of violence if they experience loss of power, increased panic, and extreme financial distress.

So, what is the connection between this and the state of the world regarding COVID-19? To name a few: the mental-emotional state of uncertainty, desperation, hopelessness, and fear. If you are not currently in poverty (in terms of wealth, health, or privilege) but fear it, count yourself blessed. You are ahead of the curve and you still have power. But if this is just another day of fear, violence, high risk of illness, and inequitable power for you, and/or you are in poverty, know that your mind does not have to be. There is hope and power lying inside each of us, even if it is inequitable. Faith and early experiences have taught me of resilience: ultimately, that WE. WILL. SURVIVE. Therefore, I urge you to use your influence to inspire peace (versus violence), understanding (versus power-struggle), conscientiousness (of the poor, and of privilege), and solidarity in our collective struggle.

Stay connected and wash your hands.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“Stop your fighting — [Be still] and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:11

References

Hardy, K. V. (2016). Anti-racist approaches for shaping theoretical and practice paradigms. In M. Pender-Greene & A. Siskin (Eds.), Anti-racist strategies for the health and human services. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press.

Institute for Research on Poverty (2011). The Psychology of Poverty. Fast, Vol. 28 (1), 19-22. Retrieved from https://www.irp.wisc.edu/publications/focus/pdfs/foc281e.pdf

Institute for Research on Poverty (2013). [Fact Sheet] Poverty Fact Sheet: Poor and In Poor Health. Retrieved from https://www.irp.wisc.edu/publications/factsheets/pdfs/PoorInPoorHealth.pdf

Oberst, U.E., & Stewart, A.E. (2005). Adlerian Psychotherapy: An Advanced Approach to Individual Psychotherapy. New York, NY: Routledge.

Oppression. (n.d.). In Lexipro Powered by Oxford. Retrieved from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/oppression

Power. (n.d.). In Lexipro Powered by Oxford. Retrieved from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/power

Violence. (n.d.). In Lexipro Powered by Oxford. Retrieved from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/violence Wyatt, R.C. (Interviewer) & Hardy, K.V. (Interviewee). (2008). Kenneth V. Hardy on Multiculturalism and Psychotherapy [Interview transcript]. Retrieved from Psychotherapy.net website: https://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/kenneth-hardy

Mar

5 Mental Health Tips for Coping with the Coronavirus

by Leigh-Ann Theophilos, M.A., RYT in Active, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, emotional health, Healing, physical health, Self Improvement, spiritual health Comments: 0 tags: anxiety, healing, mental health, Self-Care

1) Remember emotions are not good or bad. Each emotion serves a purpose to alert us to something important. Anxiety, in particular, can be helpful to help us “prepare” for a situation or perform during a stressful task. Ask yourself and label what emotion(s) you might be feeling. Labeling emotions in and of itself can be regulating to distress.

Siegel, D.J. & Bryson, T. D. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.

2) If your emotions are doing more harm than good try Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s (DBT) skill – taking opposite action. Find actions that might feel the “opposite” to the overwhelming emotion you might be feeling. For example, if you are feeling down or depressed, maybe that means you engage in things that might make you laugh, smile, or feel happy. That could mean listening to music that makes you feel this way, watching a comedian on Netflix/Youtube, or looking at old photos that make you smile.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating Borderline Personality Disorder. The Guildford Press.

3) Schedule “worry/anxiety/panic” time. This Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) skill suggests you schedule 30 minutes daily let yourself worry, maybe read news, or talk to others about it etc., just letting these emotions and thoughts be. Then limit your exposure to things that might increase anxiety/panic (i.e news, social media etc.) other times of the day. By scheduling time to worry, you can help yourself refocus the rest of the day to carry on with what you might need to do, knowing you have your “worry time” set aside for later.

McGowan, S., & Behar, E. (2012). A preliminary investigation of stimulus control training for worry: Effects on anxiety and insomnia. Behavior Modification, 7(1), pp. 90-112.

4) This Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) skill, suggests you decide how you would like to live out your valuesin this situation. By focusing on your values, you can align what is important to you with your actions, creating meaning and purpose (in spite of a sense of chaos). For example, maybe you value social justice, so you can focus on addressing the Xenophobia that has been present in the news/social media. Maybe you value knowledge, so you focus on obtaining the best evidenced-based research and facts, or maybe you value your religious faith, so you focus on religious scripture and/or rituals.

Harris, R. (2009). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5) Self-care. Engage in activities that will reduce stress (exercise, yoga, meditation, hot shower/bath), etc.) daily. You can Youtube yoga classes (if wanting low-cost free or to avoid people 😉 ) or try some meditation/mindfulness apps:

Meditation/Mindfulness Apps:

Insight Timer

Over 30,000 free guided meditations, imagery, and mindfulness. Covers topics of sleep, anxiety, stress, etc. Faith-based guided meditation included. Option for payment for additional features.

Headspace

First 2 weeks free. Guided simplified meditation app. Subscription covers guided meditation and mindfulness exercises that are great for busy schedules.

Liberate

Free meditation app made by and for Black, Indigenous, and People of Color. Includes topics on gratitude, body, micro aggressions, sleep, race, etc.

Breathe2Relax

Free made by the defense health agency. Practice and learn diaphragmatic breathing. Can pair with Apple Watch and Health Kit to measure heart rate.

Calm

Free 7 day trial app with mediation, breathing exercises, and music and video scenery for relaxation and stress relief. Also includes sleep stories, with new stories added every week.

Relax Melodies: Sleep Sounds

Free download includes sleep background noises. 7 day free trial includes guided meditations, stories, and guided gentle movements.

Feb

Come As You Are: Examining Our Own Narratives Around Food, Health, and Body Image

by Merry Baronas, M.S.W., LSW in Active, Adolescent, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Child Behavior, Depression, emotional health, Healing, Parents, physical health, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: Eating Disorders, mental health, Self Improvement, Self-Care

Common assumptions around eating disorders often narrowly focus on an individual’s food intake and exercise. It’s time to examine how cultural norms directly impact all of us. A leading factor in the development of disordered eating is a cultural emphasis on being thin (Culbert, Racine, & Klump, 2015). When thinness is celebrated and equated with health, anyone outside of thinness is subjected to weight stigma and bias. One’s “discipline” and even morality is questioned. Weight stigma is a subsequent threat in and of itself as a risk factor for depression and anxiety (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008). Rather than investing our time, money, and energy into a narrow and often impossible standard, what if our focus is to work against weight stigma and the idealization of thinness?

This work begins with ourselves, in identifying the ways we have internalized messages of shame for our bodies, or perhaps in how we have pursued and been devoted to this standard of thinness. For parents and caregivers there is a compelling obligation to consider one’s own beliefs and actions around health, wellness, and eating patterns for the sake of their children. All children are currently composing their own narrative of what it means to “be healthy” and are modeling behaviors from those around them, for better or for worse. (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008).

This work is individual and collective. National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is from February 24^th-March 1^st. The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) theme for this year is “Come As You Are, Hindsight is 2020.” Let us take time, be it in conversations, prayer, or in counseling to reflect about our own narratives around food, health, and body image. Let us work toward a culture in our families and communities that speaks to each and every one: “Come as you are.”

References

Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. and Brownell, K. D. (2008), Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35

Culbert, K. M., Racine, S. E., & Klump, K. L. (2015). Research Review: What we have learned about the causes of eating disorders – a synthesis of sociocultural, psychological, and biological research. J Child Psychol Psychiatry, 56(11), 1141-1164.

Dec

Making A Plan For A Happy Holiday

by CCCOC Resources in Active, Adult Relationships, Anxiety, Blog, Depression, emotional health, Family Relationships, Healing, Holidays, physical health, Self Improvement, Uncategorized Comments: 0 tags: Holiday Stress, Self Improvement, Self-Care

Think About It

What is one thing that you’ve experienced on a past holiday that you do not want to repeat this year?

Drinking too much / using drugs
Spending the holiday alone at home and feeling lonely
Conflict with family or friends
Feeling guilty or sad that I had nothing to give
Feeling depressed
Wanting to hurt myself or someone else

Future Brighter Holidays

2. Can you avoid what you checked this holiday and commit not to do it?

Yes
No
Maybe

Check one box under each category that you would like to do this holiday:

Physical

Eat healthy foods (substitute fruit for sweets or vegetables for chips!)
Get exercise (bundle up and go for a walk)
Drink plenty of water (limit alcohol and caffeine)
Get enough sleep (7-9 hours each night)
Practice good hygiene (get out of your pajamas and put on something nice!)

Mental

Make a plan: Take action and decide fun ways to spend your Holiday Season with others.
Don’t fake it: embrace both good and bad feelings.
Create a tradition for yourself: light a candle, talk with a friend, say a prayer, sing a favorite song.
Tell yourself that it doesn’t have to be the “best time of the year.”

Social

Plan your holidays ahead of time (where will you go for the meal?)
Plane to be with people you enjoy.
Talk about your feelings. Cry, laugh. Do not try to hide your honest emotions.
However, if you find yourself getting angry, take 3 deep breaths and remove yourself from the situation.
Put some effort into seeing that someone else has a wonderful holiday. Serve at shelter. Ask if you can help set up for a dinner. Find satisfaction in doing for others.

3. Now circle just one of the things you checked above that you will commit to doing this holiday.

I _________________________________ (your name) commit to thriving and living with less stress this Holiday Season.

Date: ____________________________

Can you mark yes to question #1 now?

If you want to discuss this further feel free to contact Cornerstone Counseling Center of Chicago (312) 573-8860 or cccoc@chicagocounseling.org

*Please note if at any time you feel overwhelmed or that you may hurt yourself, please call the Northwestern Crisis Hotline at: (312) 926-8100 or 911 or go to your nearest Emergency Room.

Jun

Dr. Harris Summer 2018 Reads Suggestions

by Rev. Dr. Peonita Harris, Psy.D., LMFT, CSAT in Active, Adolescent, Adult Relationships, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Child Behavior, Depression, Family Relationships, Healing, Parents, Self Improvement, Trauma Comments: 0 tags: Activities, Communication, Couples, Family Relationships, Forgiveness, Rebuilding, Relationships, Self Improvement, Summer, Summer Activities, Trauma

Dr. Harris Summer 2018 Reads Suggestions

Dec

Self-Care Tips to Get You Through the Holidays

by Monique Gardner, M.A., LPC in Active, Adult Relationships, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Depression, Family Relationships, Healing, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: Family Relationships, Holiday Stress, Kids, Self Improvement, Self-Care

While the holiday season can be a time of connection and cheer for many, for others it can bring about additional stress and isolation. During the season of giving we often devote so much time to others that we forget to take care of ourselves. Reclaiming and incorporating time for yourself is an essential part of maintaining a healthy and balanced holiday season. Below are a few ways in which you can give to yourself this season:

Reflect: Throughout the year reflection is a key aspect of self-care, but moving it to the forefront is especially important during the holidays. Reflection can bring about renewal and change as you enter the new year, and for some can even bring closure. Meditation and journaling are ways in which you can reflect on what it most important during these times. Both provide emotional and physical benefits that aid in the mitigation of undesirable symptoms.
Rest: Another important aspect of everyday life, that is especially important during this busy time, is rest. By maintaining a routine, you allow yourself to remain recharged and refreshed during this season of rush.
Prioritize: In an effort to match the pace of the season, many people often find themselves playing catch up once the holidays have ended. Allow yourself time to create and stick to realistic goals, which can include scheduling and budgeting. This eliminates the burden of overspending and overexerting yourself.
Create: Instead of focusing on the hustle of the season, take advantage of the magic of the season by creating traditions that will last for many seasons to come.
Redefine: Many assume that giving requires spending. During the coming days, take time to reflect on the meaning of the holidays by redefining what it means to give. Giving your time to be in service of others is an easy and inexpensive way to lift spirits.

In keeping with the holiday season, it is important to remember that self-care is key to achieving greater health, happiness, and prosperity. As stated by Calving Coolidge, “Holidays are not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of the Holidays.”

Jul

All my single ladies…Caring for the heart of a woman

by Dr. Kara White, Psy.D. in Active, Adult Relationships, Anxiety, Blog, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: Adult Relationships, anxiety, Dating, Relationships, Romantic Relationships, Singleness, Singles

In the face of ongoing singleness, it seems women get consumed by the “man hunt”, cope unhealthily a bag of potato chips or Oreos, or harden their hearts from discouragement and self-doubt when they are unable to find what they desire. I have worked with many women who have thought, “What is wrong with me? No one likes me!” or “I must not be good enough for the one I want.” I have true compassion for these women. They long for deep, intimate connection that validates the tender greatness inside of them. This longing for relationship or communion exists for many reasons. On one level, it is an attempt to answer a core defining question, “Am I loveable? Am I captivating? Am I worthwhile?” (Eldredge & Eldredge, 2010).

All humanity is wired for connection and relationship, and women seem to embody this deeply. Genesis shares that Eve was made from the rib of Adam (Genesis 2:22). In Genesis 2:18, Eve was called ezer kenegdo, best translated as, “sustainer beside him” (Alter as cited by Eldredge & Eldredge, 2010). Women are to be life-giving: relational, tender, vulnerable, and beautiful. Therefore, the loneliness and insecurity women often feel during singleness can be intensified when our need for intimacy is not satisfied.

In the book, Captivating, the authors describe the essence of women from a scriptural perspective. The authors argue that women are to be the crown of all creation. Our feminine essence is in our tenderness and beauty. Our vulnerability does not make us weak; it makes us beautiful. Our strength is not in our arm or stature; it is in our tenderness and vulnerability. Too often we look to our fathers and lovers to validate or “complete” us in some way, to help us feel less vulnerable or alone. We look at the dark, mean world and wonder if we can survive; so, we toughen up, act strong like men, and lose our femininity. (Women are also fierce, but you’ll have to read the book to learn more.) Brené Brown (2012) shares that leaning into vulnerability is courageous. When we are at peace with our vulnerability, the life we breathe into others can be seen and received (Eldredge & Eldredge, 2010).

As women, we are wired for romance as we display the longings and sensitivities of God. He calls the church His beautiful bride (Ephesians 5:26-27) and the books Song of Solomon and Hosea, are metaphorical messages of the sensuality of His romance towards us. Hence, singleness can feel unbearable for women. We feel pressured to marry and have children before 35. We wonder if we’re lovely enough to draw the attention of the right man. The authors argue that men can never satisfy this longing, that our longing and need for affirmation need to come from God instead (Eldredge & Eldredge,2010).

“How do I surrender my needs to the Lord? My feelings are so intense!” you claim.

Do not lose heart in well-doing (Galatians 6:9). Find avenues for restoration. Maybe it’s a daily cup of tea and candle or maybe it is a weekly God-led adventure with the Lord.
Focus on your romance with Jesus. We can draw close to him and feel enraptured by His love and affection. We can maintain our sensitive, tender heart through trials, because we trust the Lord that He is good and faithful towards us.
Embody peace wherever you are. Connect with rest and peace in every moment. Let go of desired outcomes.
Consider counseling if stuck. The process of counseling can help validate and free up intense feelings.

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Avery.

Eldredge, J. & S. Eldredge, (2010). Captivating: Unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Holy Bible: New International Version (1984). Zondervan.

Jun

Summertime Stress Got You Down?

by I. Ivory Badea in Active, Anxiety, Depression, Family Relationships, Parents Comments: 0 tags: Chicago, Family Relationships, Local, Local Activities, Stress, Summer Activities, Summer Transitions, What Parents Can Do

That time of year is almost here again: summertime! Yippee! Time for fun in the sun, lemonade stands, waterparks, and barbecues. What a great few months, right? Or, it should be, anyway. Summertime can be when we relax and enjoy the beautiful weather, but it sometimes ends up causing us more stress than we bargain for. Like getting the family packed up for an outing, and keeping the kids occupied since they’re no longer in school. How do we keep summer from being a bummer? How can we make this pleasant time of year less stressful?

Chill Out!

When the heat gets to be too much and your AC has turned your home into a meat locker, take the time to go outside and sit in the shade. The fresh air and natural sunlight will be refreshing and pleasant once you’ve had a chance to cool off inside. Take a book with you, or just lie on the grass and look up at the clouds, trees, flowers, etc. It’s amazing the little things in life we forget about, like the beauty of a budding blossom, which can remind us not to take ourselves too seriously. Take a quick moment to close your eyes, and imagine yourself lying on a beach and enjoying an ocean view. This quick mental vacation will help you relax and refocus.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade!

The stress of trying to find different activities to keep the kids entertained can not only be exhausting, but costly. Why not check your local town or city’s events and summer festivals? Your neighborhood park district and town always has something going on, but their marketing budgets may not be big enough to make you aware of the great free events all summer long. Check out the local paper, town website, park district and library bulletins to see free activities in your area. Here are a few links to get you started:

Fun & Free Chicago Summer Activities – https://www.choosechicago.com/things-to-do/parks-and-outdoors/free-summer-park-activities/

Chicago Park District Movie Night – http://www.chicagoparkdistrict.com/events/movies/

Chicago Summer Dance – https://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/dca/supp_info/chicago_summerdance.html/

Water You Doing?

Who doesn’t want to go to the pool or the beach? Sometimes, the pool fees, and gas it takes to get to your closest body of water can be draining. The good ol’ water hose in your back yard can also feel relaxing, and break up the burden of carrying a heavy beach bag and putting more miles on your car. Jumping through the sprinkler a few times can give kids the giggles, ease your wallet, and lessen your stress.

Whatever you do this summer, don’t let the humdrum of summer shenanigans keep you from enjoying this beautiful time of year. Summer is for sunshine and sojourning, so remember to take a break, and stop and smell the roses.