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All my single ladies…Caring for the heart of a woman


In the face of ongoing singleness, it seems women get consumed by the “man hunt”, cope unhealthily a bag of potato chips or Oreos, or harden their hearts from discouragement and self-doubt when they are unable to find what they desire. I have worked with many women who have thought, “What is wrong with me? No one likes me!” or “I must not be good enough for the one I want.” I have true compassion for these women. They long for deep, intimate connection that validates the tender greatness inside of them. This longing for relationship or communion exists for many reasons. On one level, it is an attempt to answer a core defining question, “Am I loveable? Am I captivating? Am I worthwhile?” (Eldredge & Eldredge, 2010).

All humanity is wired for connection and relationship, and women seem to embody this deeply. Genesis shares that Eve was made from the rib of Adam (Genesis 2:22). In Genesis 2:18, Eve was called ezer kenegdo, best translated as, “sustainer beside him” (Alter as cited by Eldredge & Eldredge, 2010). Women are to be life-giving: relational, tender, vulnerable, and beautiful. Therefore, the loneliness and insecurity women often feel during singleness can be intensified when our need for intimacy is not satisfied.

In the book, Captivating, the authors describe the essence of women from a scriptural perspective. The authors argue that women are to be the crown of all creation. Our feminine essence is in our tenderness and beauty. Our vulnerability does not make us weak; it makes us beautiful. Our strength is not in our arm or stature; it is in our tenderness and vulnerability. Too often we look to our fathers and lovers to validate or “complete” us in some way, to help us feel less vulnerable or alone.   We look at the dark, mean world and wonder if we can survive; so, we toughen up, act strong like men, and lose our femininity. (Women are also fierce, but you’ll have to read the book to learn more.) Brené Brown (2012) shares that leaning into vulnerability is courageous. When we are at peace with our vulnerability, the life we breathe into others can be seen and received (Eldredge & Eldredge, 2010).

As women, we are wired for romance as we display the longings and sensitivities of God. He calls the church His beautiful bride (Ephesians 5:26-27) and the books Song of Solomon and Hosea, are metaphorical messages of the sensuality of His romance towards us. Hence, singleness can feel unbearable for women. We feel pressured to marry and have children before 35. We wonder if we’re lovely enough to draw the attention of the right man. The authors argue that men can never satisfy this longing, that our longing and need for affirmation need to come from God instead (Eldredge & Eldredge,2010).

“How do I surrender my needs to the Lord? My feelings are so intense!” you claim.

  1. Do not lose heart in well-doing (Galatians 6:9). Find avenues for restoration. Maybe it’s a daily cup of tea and candle or maybe it is a weekly God-led adventure with the Lord.
  2. Focus on your romance with Jesus. We can draw close to him and feel enraptured by His love and affection. We can maintain our sensitive, tender heart through trials, because we trust the Lord that He is good and faithful towards us.
  3. Embody peace wherever you are. Connect with rest and peace in every moment. Let go of desired outcomes.
  4. Consider counseling if stuck. The process of counseling can help validate and free up intense feelings.

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Avery.

Eldredge, J. & S. Eldredge, (2010). Captivating: Unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Holy Bible: New International Version (1984). Zondervan.

Socially Obese? Keep social media use healthy.


In order to maintain health, the most commonly recommended actions are diet and exercise. It is widely known that choosing quality, whole foods over empty calorie, junk foods provide better nutritional intake to support a healthy body. Unfortunately, the American population is “the most in-debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in US history” (Brown, 2010, pg. 36). When considering how technology is revolutionizing our world, is it possible, that we have entered an age where we are now, also, socially obese? In other words, are we attempting to satisfy our need for love and belonging with frequent binge episodes of empty activity on social media platforms?

As a Millennial parent of a young child who is intrigued by texting, FaceTiming, and online games, I do my best to limit the use of technology, or at least ensure it is a positive and educational experience. It seems I get to observe her need to belong in this world by her desire for her own phone or app watch because others have them around her. I’m also aware of the glories of life without technology. This compelled me to find the best research on the topic of how technology is changing us.

Humanity has the longest period of childrearing of any species, and therefore, is wired to be social. Attachment theory would argue we feel more secure and confident in whom we are when attached to an attentive caregiver (Bowlby, 1969). Therefore, the technological development of social media to satisfy our need for connection is not unusual. Research has highlighted the positives of social media use. But, what are the bounds of healthy use? Is social media use like binging on junk food and is there a healthier replacement?

There are factors that make social media an easy go-to for social interaction and even addiction. For example, Dr. Susan Weinschenk, who is an expert on user experience in computer systems, outlines how social networking may activate the brain’s reward system on her blog (November 7, 2009). She identified the following factors:

  • Immediate gratification
  • Anticipatory thrill (anticipating reward is more rewarding than receiving the reward)
  • Endless amounts of small bits of information (little information can make us more curious, leading to endless browsing or rabbit trails over hours)
  • Unpredictability of rewards

Based on her research, it appears our brain jumps into an endless dopamine high when engaging social media. Berridge (1998) argues that dopamine is central to seeking pleasure and the opioid system causes us to experience pleasure. Therefore, it makes sense to me that when we browse, post, and game, hours fly by without notice due to the activation of both of these systems.

Unhealthy Social Media Use

There are several studies that clarify at what points social media use loses its benefit. Initially, it is well established that the hormone oxytocin is a bonding hormone, released during delivery of a newborn baby, and at moments of physical or social contact. When a study challenged teens with a stressful task and examined different avenues of receiving emotional support from their parents, oxytocin was implicated. The teens who did not reach out to their parents and those who texted their parents had no noticeable difference in their cortisol or oxytocin levels. The teens who sought support over the phone or face to face, had increased oxytocin and decreased cortisol levels (Seltzer, Prososki, Ziegler, & Pollak, as cited in Greenfield, 2015, p. 130). Therefore, hearing someone’s voice or seeing a person face-to-face was more effective in comforting. It appears that the convenience of technology did not benefit the teens in effectively decreasing stress and increasing bonding.

Moreover, excessive social media use is a concern due to the restricted form of communication that may lack tone of voice, body language, and other avenues of feeling emotionally connected. Those who spend excessive time on screens have more difficulty interpreting facial expressions (Engelberg & Sjöberg as cited in Greenfield, 2015, p. 135). Greenfield’s concern is that technology may encourage autistic-like traits, such as poor eye contact and poor reading of social cues, in an online user (McDowell; Waldman, Nicholson, & Adilov; Hertz-Picciotto & Delwiche; as cited in Greenfield, 2015, p. 136). Other researchers are attempting to clarify any relationship between internet use and lowering levels of empathy. Therefore, excessive use can be a barrier to developing social skills needed to facilitate bonding and attachment in the real world.

Another concern is that social media is replacing real life relationship maintenance. It appears that those who have social anxiety and believe it to be a better platform for self-disclosure are more likely to use social media to build relationships (Oldmeadow, Quinn, & Kowert; Trepte & Reinecke; as cited in Greenfield, 2015, pgs. 102 & 104). The amount of time spent on social media was not linked to having a larger offline network or feeling emotionally closer to offline network (Pollet, Roberts, & Dunbar, 2011 as cited in Greenfield, 2015, pgs. 133). It seems the excessive use of social media may be an act to avoid social anxiety than a tool to overcome it.

Additionally, the use of social media may not benefit self-image. Those with low self-esteem have more frequent posts about negative attributes which seems to lead others to “like” their comments less or reject the online identity altogether (Valkenburg, Peter, & Schouten as cited in Greenfield, 2015, pg. 120). Whereas, in real life, friends may have been able to see their other attributes and consider their negativity more tolerable. Given limited immediate feedback, social media also allows for narcissism to manifest which is linked to low self-esteem (Buffardi & Campbell as cited in Greenfield, 2015, pg. 117). Therefore, those with low self-esteem who rely on social media for connection may create a cycle of rejection and self-inefficacy in online relationships they rely on for intimacy.

Lastly, we advertise our best or “ideal self” on social media or develop a new identity altogether (Zhao, Grasmuck, & Martin as cited in Greenfield, 2015, pg. 117). For that reason, virtual reality continues to reflect less of actual reality. Consequently, we are exposed to the edited or imaginary version of a real person. Besides the scary implications of false identities online, social media provides us with an overwhelming number of personas to compare to ourselves. Therefore, perhaps the implications of our increased reliance on social media to meet our social and emotional needs is more complex than we think and possibly as nutritious as a junk food binge.

Healthy Recommendations

It is a relief to know that research has also identified the benefits of social media. Greenfield (2015) concluded from several studies, that it can be a beneficial avenue for maintaining relationships that were established offline. In order to be resilient from some of the drawbacks of social media use, I recommend that we:

  • Limit the time online to two hours or less each day
  • Develop social skills in offline relationships and work through social anxiety
  • Build face-to-face relationships while using social media to advance those connections
  • Work to limit online comparison, choose self-acceptance, and enhance self-esteem

It is my hope that, similar to other health-conscious trends such as yoga and organic eating, Americans would trend healthy Internet and social media use.


References

Berridge, K. C. & Robinson, T. E. (1998). What is the role of dopamine in reward: hedonic impact, reward learning, or incentive salience? Brain Research Reviews, 28, pp 309–369.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment. Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Loss. New York: Basic Books.

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Greenfield, S. (2015). Mind change: How digital technologies are leaving their mark on our brains. New York: Random House.

Weinschenk, S. (November 7, 2009). 100 things you should know about people: #8 Dopamine makes us addicted to seeking information. Retrieved from https://www.blog.theteamw.com/2009/11/07/100-things-you-should-know-about-people-8-dopamine-makes-us-addicted-to-seeking-information/

How to Combat Anxiety and Depression

by Tiffany Solecki, BA Clinical Intern in Active, Anxiety, Depression, Healing, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: anxiety, depression, Self Improvement

Challenging Anxiety and Depression: A Few Tips

As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, both experiences can be incredibly tiring and alienating. While they may at first glance seem like opposing conditions, I’ve learned from experience that anxiety and depression are actually more like “cousins.” Both tend to involve negative self-talk with anxiety being a state of insecurity and fear in response and depression being the result of paralyzation by belief. Thoughts such as “I’m unintelligent,” “I’m unattractive,” or “I’m unlovable” come to mind when I think about my own internal dialogue on particularly rough days.

While I recognize that the experiences of others may not mirror mine, I wanted to offer a few practical tips on how to challenge such negative feelings and thoughts.

  1. Avoiding Projection

Let’s say you’re attending a social event for work and had a lot on your mind so you weren’t as outgoing as you wanted to be. You may self-deprecate, telling yourself something like, “I wish I could have let go and had a good time. Everyone probably thought I was socially awkward.”

The projecting lies in the last two thoughts, in which you assumed that others agreed with you in your own negative self-assessment.

Imagine if someone else, such as a friend or family member, was in your place. If they had been quieter than usual one day, would you have automatically assumed that they were rude or socially awkward? I wouldn’t have.

Given that you likely would not respond so negatively to others in similar situations, ask yourself this: Why then, should you respond to yourself that way?

  1. Do something for yourself each day.

Self-care is crucial in challenging negative thoughts, so it’s a good idea to find something you enjoy doing or a task that you are determined to complete each day. This can be something as simple as doing laundry to as specific as making progress on a project or task you’ve had on your mind. Regardless as to what you choose to do, make sure it is something that is important to you, and try not to set overly high expectations for your completion of it. Since negative thought patterns often stem from the belief that we are incapable or lacking in some way, doing something small for yourself each day can serve as a reminder to the contrary.

  1. Connect with God.

If you’re like me, you probably cringe at the cliché response that if you “prayed or trusted in God more,” you wouldn’t be feeling anxious or depressed. Let me challenge this with Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

While many of us may feel as though God has abandoned us in our struggles with mental health, we can rest assured that such an assumption is contrary to Scripture. While worrying and thinking negatively are often tied to a lack of trust in God, its important for us to understand that God loves and cares for us in our suffering, whatever form it may take, and is not waiting for us to call on Him so he can point out our flaws with bitterness or contempt. Rather, as His children, He welcomes us into His presence with outstretched arms. He desperately wants to connect with us our rawness and vulnerability.

If you are struggling with depression and/or anxiety and want to request an appointment to see a therapist, click here.

Cornerstone Counseling Center of Chicago