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Nov
28

What Just Happened?: Making Sense of My Seemingly Random Reactions

by Dr. Beth Cunningham, Psy.D. in Active, Adult Relationships, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Depression, Family Relationships, Grief, Healing, Self Improvement, Trauma Comments: 0 tags: Adult Relationships, Communication, Couples Counseling, Trauma, Traumatic, Women's Issues

Marie was feeling productive at work when she received a phone call from her mother. As soon as she saw the caller ID, she felt irritable and dismissed the call. For the rest of the day, she struggled to return her focus to her work or get anything accomplished.

Brenda was enjoying her time out to dinner at a nice restaurant with her boyfriend, Jude. However, she wanted to run out of the restaurant when Jude took his phone out of his pocket and started doing something on it. For the rest of dinner, she just answered his questions with one-word answers and couldn’t wait to get home so she could go to sleep.

Tiffani was fully engaged in the conversation at her 11:00 business meeting, which she found to be fascinating. When the colleague sitting next to her raised his hand to interrupt the discussion, she flinched and had trouble participating in the remainder of the meeting.

 

What do these women have in common?

Although at first glance, these women may seem to be drastically different from one another, when we take a moment to investigate their histories, we find similarities in their reactions in each situation. Each of these women’s reactions makes sense. Each of these women’s trauma response was triggered by the circumstances of their environments and made it difficult for her to fully engage in the present moment.

Marie grew up in a home where she never knew what she would experience when she walked in the door. Some days, her mother would be waiting to greet her with a smile and interest in what happened at school. Other days, her mother would be drunk on the couch, waiting for Marie to return from school so she could take care of her mother’s every need.

Brenda’s first marriage started off great, but after a year, her husband didn’t seem to even know she existed, that was, until he wanted something from her sexually and he could not be deterred. Brenda felt unwanted and cast-off and wasn’t surprised the day he filed for divorce because he found a “better woman.” It took a long time to feel ready to date again, but finally, she was willing to try again.

Tiffani’s step-father was scary and mean. She would hide in her closet to stay away from him when he was angry, praying that he wouldn’t find her because she was afraid that this time, he would hit her so hard she might die.

 

What is a trauma response and why does it happen?

Our brains automatically respond to dangerous, stressful, and traumatic situations by prioritizing reactions that will keep us safe; this is a very good thing, as it helps us to survive. When a person experiences these dangerous, stressful, or chaotic situations time and again, his/her brain gets really good at quickly prioritizing this survival response. Sometimes, the brain is so good at doing this, the survival response becomes the automatic and occurs even when the person is in a completely safe situation. This triggered reaction is a trauma response and it makes sense. Marie’s trauma reaction was triggered because her brain knows that sometimes when she talks to her mom, she isn’t safe. Brenda’s trauma reaction was triggered because she felt unwanted by her boyfriend when he started using his phone; she had been here before and it was not safe. Tiffani’s trauma reaction was triggered because her brain knows that sometimes, when someone near you raises his/her arm, it is to hit her. Although each of these women may not understand why she reacted in the way she did, each response makes sense in light of her past experiences and makes it difficult for her to fully engage in the present moment.

 

What can I do if I experience things like this?

First and foremost, seek support from safe and trustworthy people. Talking through your current and past experiences with a family member or friend who has consistently been safe and caring can help you express these things so you don’t have to hold them inside or on your own. Many individuals find it helpful to participate in therapy in order to have a safe place to discuss these reactions and the situations that have caused them and work towards growth and healing.

Secondly, take care of yourself when these reactions occur – maybe you need to take a break to go for a walk, grab a coffee, or take some deep breaths. Do something little and easy to help calm your brain and your body down so that you can re-engage in the present moment. Be kind to yourself by reminding yourself that this reaction was helpful for your survival at one point in time and makes sense in the current situation – there is nothing inherently wrong with your reaction and you can do something to help yourself through it.

If you would like to begin receiving professional services for reactions such as those described above, our office has therapists who have specialized training to provide services to individuals who have experienced trauma. Please click here to request an appointment.

 

*These stories are fictional and were created with the intent to illustrate triggered responses as a result of traumatic experiences in order to increase awareness, offer knowledge, and provide support for those who may be experiencing similar reactions.

Oct
27

Cyber-bullying: What it is, what to do, and how to prevent it

by Dr. Kara White, Psy.D. in Active, Adolescent, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Bullying, Child Behavior, Depression, Family Relationships, Parents, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: Child, Child Behavior, Child Therapy, Children's Mental Health, Kids, parenting tips, School, What Parents Can Do

Any form of bullying can hurt a person’s self-esteem due to feeling not deserving of love and belonging (Brown, 2010). In the Bible, Joseph, a favored son, was bullied by his brothers out of jealousy because of the dreams God had given him. Goliath was a bully who taunted others and used power and stature to intimidate. Although these are examples of traditional bullying that occurred in the Bible, a different type of bullying has emerged in modern society called cyber-bullying.

What is cyber-bullying and why does it matter?

Cyber-bullying is when someone uses an electronic device to “threaten, harass, tease, or embarrass another person” (Greenfield, 2015, p. 144). With the development of the Internet and social media, we are now connected to others 24/7. Depending on the age group, 20-40% of young people have been cyber-bullied (Tokunaga as cited in Greenfield, p. 144). This is concerning because, unlike traditional bullying, the victim is unable to experience relief by not being around the bully. The online identity that is viewed as a “tethered self” (Turkle, 2012, p. 155) can be verbally abused by large amounts of people constantly. In 2012, a survey of US, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Australia, showed 44% of suicides from the previous 15 months were due to cyber-bullying (LeBlanc, 2012 as found in Greenfield, p. 144).

What makes cyber-bullying so prevalent?

Anonymity seems to offer people permission to experiment with a new identity on the Internet (Suler as cited in Greenfield, p. 113). Moreover, for Digital Natives, time spent online is significant, creating more opportunities for impulsive, even harmful, choices in online interactions (Whitson, 2014). Research shows that starting at age 11, kids create a different online identity that is more rude, sexy, adventurous, or risky (Kidscape as cited in Greenfield, p. 121). Additionally, the Internet can lack typical social consequences that deter traditional bullying such as the victim’s facial expression and body language, social disapproval, and the fear of getting caught, which seem to make even those who have never bullied more likely to bully online (Greenfield; Whitson). This may contribute to ideas that cyber-bullying is not wrong since research shows cyberbullies have less remorse than traditional bullies (Greenfield, p. 146). It also speaks to the “diffusion and dilution of responsibility” of online activity (Robson & Witenberg as cited in Greenfield, p. 146). For example, who will catch the bully, how will they prove the online activity was done by that person, and what are the consequences? Thankfully, schools and the legal system are improving in navigating and litigating this difficult arena.

What makes it so dangerous?

As mentioned before, the permanency and continuity of cyber-hate appears to offer no solstice for the victim. Bullies attack something about a person that can confuse the victim, troubling the view that one is valued and effective in the world. This feeling of being wrong or not good enough can bring about anxiety and depressive symptoms. The victim may feel more insecure or ashamed, begin to isolate from others, and even believe the perspective that bullies have amplified and declared as truth about the victim (see Brown, 2010). The viral nature of cyber-bullying can lead victims to make poor conclusions about their worth and identity (Whitson, 2014, p. 68). When feeling down, a youth can believe they are not worthy of love and belonging, even doubting the love received from family and friends because of the perceived overwhelming online evidence of what others believe to be true about the victim. The hopeless feeling of being unable to stop it, change it, or challenge it can lead a person to thoughts or acts of suicide. If you have been cyber-bullied, seek additional support to work through difficult emotions, find belief in yourself as a person who is worthy of love and belonging, and develop a resilient identity that is valued and that you define.

What do we do about it?

If cyber-bullied…

  1. Tell an adult
  2. Disengage from it, don’t add to it
  3. Block harassers and log off
  4. Use privacy settings
  5. Take screen shots
  6. Do something to stop it with help of adults
  7. Empathize with victims

How do we prevent it?

  1. Keep person-to-person connections strong
  2. Educate kids about Netiquette
  3. Monitor kids online
  4. Write an online agreement for family
  5. Take breaks from tech and view it as a privilege
  6. Adults hold kids accountable for online behavior

The previous two step-by-step guides can be found in the chapter on cyber-bullying in the book 8 Keys to End Bullying referenced below. For more information on overcoming bullying and understanding the impact of digital technology on our world, view the references used for this article.

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Greenfield, S. (2015). Mind change: How digital technologies are leaving their mark on our brains. New York: Random House.

Turkle, S. (2012). Alone together: Why we expect more from technology and less from each other. New York: Basic Books.

Whitson, S. (2014). Key 4: Deal directly with cyberbullying. A chapter from 8 keys to end bullying: Strategies for parents and schools (pp. 66 -95). New York: Norton & Co.

 

 

Sep
12

Back-to-School Season

by Martina Sancen, M.A., LCPC in Active, Adolescent, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Child Behavior, Family Relationships, Parents Comments: 0 tags: Child, Child Behavior, Child Therapy, Children, Children's Mental Health, Kids, parenting tips, School, Schools, Summer Transitions, What Parents Can Do

This time of Back-to-school season can cause a variety of different emotions. After a long summer of relaxation, fun in the sun, and little responsibility, children can have a hard time adapting to the level of structure that learning requires. However, going back to school does not have to be a dreaded experience for parents or children. Below are some tips for back to school preparation that can help.

  1. Highlight the benefits of school: Discussing the possibility of new achievements, and past academic successes can be a source of encouragement and excitement for the upcoming school year. This can also stop the complaining and negativity about starting school as summer begins to come to an end.
  2. Reestablish routines: The summer tends to be a lax season and this could mean bed times tend to get pushed back and schedules are not as busy. Reestablishing a bedtime routine that ensures restorative sleep will support physical health, emotional and psychological well-being. We all know the feeling and are far too familiar with the consequences of a restless night, which includes: headaches, stomach discomfort, confusion, and grumpiness. However, research links poor or inadequate sleep with children to reduced neurobehavioral functioning and cognitive problems that ultimately impact a child’s ability to perform in school. Due to the importance of sleep, it is imperative that good sleep patterns are exercised at home. The National Sleep Foundation recommends school aged children should sleep nine to eleven hours per night. Establish a bed time that allows for enough sleep, be consistent every night, turn off screens at least 30 minutes before bed, and create a routine before bed that prepares the child for bed time. Getting used to a routine takes time, so start at least a week before the big day.
  3. Prepare for the unknown: Starting something new can trigger uneasiness and even fear. If your child is attending a new school, schedule a tour prior to the beginning of the school year. Being exposed to the new environment will ease fears, provide a chance to ask questions, and help to feel more prepared to tackle their first day. If your child is attending the same school, chances are your child will have a new teacher and this too can be difficult for children. If the school offers meet and greets, take advantage of this opportunity to familiarize yourselves with the teacher’s style and expectations. If your child’s school does not offer meet and greets, do your research by reaching out to other parents who may have worked with this teacher in the past or by sending an email to introduce yourself and ask questions.
  4. Organize school supplies: Involve your child in the organization process. This can build excitement about a new school year and also help them to practice this valuable life skill.
  5. Ask questions and be available: Check in with your child about how he or she is feeling about going back to school. Validate his or her emotions by showing your concern. Share a time in your life where starting something new was difficult for you and express to your child how you managed and coped. Your disclosure can both serve as encouragement and better align you with your child at the same time.
Sep
06

Tips for Back-to-School

by Dr. Beth Cunningham, Psy.D. in Active, Adolescent, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Child Behavior, Family Relationships, Parents, Uncategorized Comments: 0 tags: Child, Child Behavior, Child Therapy, Children, Children's Mental Health, Communication, Family Relationships, Kids, parenting tips, School, Schools, Summer Transitions, What Parents Can Do

The back-to-school season can be stressful for everyone involved. As parents, we want our children to have the best school year yet. Parents, here are three tips to keep in mind while supporting your children to prepare for the upcoming school year.

1.       Remember that this is a time of mixed emotions.

Dread. Excitement. Worry. All these (and more) are experienced as the return to school draws near and each is a very real part of the back-to-school process. See if you can think back to your school days and what this season was like for you. Although this isn’t exactly what your child is experiencing (because everyone’s experience is unique), it can help parents remember that there is more to this time of year than our excitement that the kids are out of the house after all summer home. Check in with your child about his/her thoughts and feelings about going back to school and watch for clues that can give insight into his/her perspective about this time of year.

2.       Create and follow a routine.

Transitions are difficult, and the transition into a new school year is no different. Transitions often trigger emotional distress; routines can help to decrease and manage the stress that may arise. Some important things to think about when working to develop a routine include sleep, healthy food, homework time, fun time, and relaxing time. Beginning the routine before the first day of school can help your child more slowly transition back into the school year rather than abruptly going from a fun summer to sitting in a classroom.

3.       Prepare in advance.

Taking time to visit the school before the first day can decrease some of the stress of the first weeks of school. Help your student find his/her classroom(s) and work together to make sure he/she can confidently open that pesky locker. If your child is attending a new school building, figure out where the office, bathrooms, gym, and cafeteria are located. After purchasing all of the necessary school supplies, take time to organize the supplies and put your child’s backpack together so it is ready for the first day. Help your child decide what clothes he/she will wear and what he/she wants to eat for lunch. These aspects of preparation can happen well before the last days of summer and can help to decrease the stress of the quickly approaching first day of school. If your child has received special services at school in the past, reach out to school staff to ensure that all necessary supports are in place for the first day of school.

Although these strategies can be helpful for many students, each child and family is unique and you are the expert about your child/family. Thinking through what has helped your child during previous transitions and back-to-school seasons can help you generate more ideas of how to best support your child in the midst of this season.

Resources:
Back to School Psychology 101: Tips for Parents. Retrieved from http://www.massgeneral.org/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=3716
Dealing with the back-to-school blues? Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/school-rush.aspx

Aug
10

Transitions: How God Uses Them

by Tiffany Solecki, BA Clinical Intern in Active, Anxiety, Articles, Blog, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: Life Transitions, School, Self Improvement, Stress

Transition is an inevitable part of life, and can take a variety of forms from going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new place, engaging in a new relationship, grieving the loss of an established one and much more. Yet, while we can all expect to face some form of transition of another in the course of our lives, many of us tend to feel caught off guard or emotionally unprepared for it. You may be asking yourself, “Is it even possible to be fully prepared for such transitions?”

In all honesty, it usually isn’t possible to be one hundred percent prepared for all of the psychological and emotional aspects of transitioning. I do believe; however, that the idea that we should be “fully prepared” for this process is not only a myth but also lacks a biblical basis.

I’ll give the personal example of my own transition in going away to Taylor University in Upland, Indiana three years ago as a freshman; a small, rural community nearly 200 miles away from my home in south suburban Tinley Park, Illinois. Right away, I expected my experience to be amazing and did not at all consider any potential challenges: I assumed I would immediately meet new friends, enjoy living in the smallest dorm on campus, succeed in my major, and experience spiritual growth in joining a close knit Christian community.

Perhaps unsurprisingly in retrospect, none of the above actually happened in my first or even second semester at Taylor. To be perfectly honest, my relationships with both God and my peers suffered immensely at this time; as I retreated out of self-consciousness and ultimately depression. My expectations had been so narrow: I thought that if I wasn’t feeling at home or as though I fit in right where I was first semester freshman year, Taylor surely wasn’t going to be a good experience for me at all.

Rather than immediately befriending all of my floor-mates that first semester, I would go on to experience three other dorms on campus before finding a place where I felt at home. I would consider transferring more than once over the course of the next two years, and even changed my major from professional writing to social work at the start of sophomore year. Rather than meeting new friends right away, it wouldn’t be until later in my college career that I would meet many of my current friends whom I trust, who love me dearly, and around whom I can be shamelessly myself.

As I approach my senior year, I can confidently say that I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Because I didn’t grow close to most of my current Taylor friends right away, I only came to love and appreciate them as individuals that much more when I did. Because I experienced anxiety and depression for much of my freshman through the start of my sophomore year, I learned to love who God has created me to be that much more and begin to challenge self-deprecating thoughts thanks to an amazing counselor on campus that year. Because I met and worked with her, my desire to be a counselor and long standing passion for mental health was re-awakened. It was precisely because my initial expectations regarding my college years were defied in every possible way that I was ultimately able to grow closer to God and my peers, re-discover a passion, and come to love and appreciate the Taylor community for what it truly is and what it has to give, flaws and all.

In Isaiah 64:8, it is said that despite our inherent sinful nature and tendency to lack faith in God, He is still molding and shaping us into the people He created each of us to be. It reminds us, “And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.”

While it may be tempting to attempt to execute control over our lives by stubbornly clinging to our own expectations in facing transitions, I don’t believe that is what God wants for any of us. If I’ve learned anything in the past three years, it’s that He has a way of using the unexpected to stretch and mold us into who we’ve each been created to be. Consider that the next time you’re faced with a major transition or adjustment, and ask God to reveal what it is He has for you by way of it.

Apr
05

Overcoming Shame From Failure

by Dr. Kara White, Psy.D. in Active, Articles, Blog, Self Improvement Comments: 0 tags: Communication

John Maxwell, in his book Failing Forward, tells the story of an experiment with a ceramics class. The teacher divided the class and assigned one half the task of spending the entire semester developing the perfect pot. The other half would be graded based on how many pots were made. It turns out, at the end of the course, the half that focused on quantity created the more perfect pot than the half focused on quality. His test proved that mastery comes with failure.

No matter where you are in your journey, moving through hurt, failure, or adversity is something we all have to embrace. When I was faced with great difficulty, I felt I had two options: be overcome with panic and despair, or find a way to go through it. My faith, support of family and friends, self-awareness, and intentional action to get help and help myself, enabled me to rise above adversity and become stronger.

In periods of difficulty, it is easy to be overwhelmed with emotion such as fear, panic, anger, confusion, and doubt. All of these emotions are difficult to feel, express, and work through to find relief. However, one emotion, that is particularly troubling in these instances, is shame. Shame, a universal experience, seems to fit in the category with embarrassment and guilt, but it is different. Brené Brown, from her book Daring Greatly, defines it as an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging ” (2012, p. 69). Failure easily triggers this experience.

I know I am in shame when I am irritable, avoiding people, experiencing a low mood, and start to become critical of others. I, then, take a moment to reflect on what has happened recently, to identify my trigger. Sometimes, I feel shame related to being a wife, such as not feeling sexy enough, not connecting or communicating enough, or fearing I have done something to create emotional distance. Other times, I may feel shame about needing clarity or stability during change.

When feeling shame from failure, how can we develop resilience? Brené Brown (2007) recommends you follow these steps:

  1. Understand how shame feels on you and what triggered it
  2. Reality-check your thoughts that tell us being imperfect means being inadequate
  3. Share the story with a trusted person
  4. Talk about how you’re feeling and ask for what you need

To read more about shame resilience, go to www.brenebrown.com to find her booklist and blog.

Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Telling the truth about perfectionism, inadequacy and power. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

Maxwell, J. (2000). Failing forward: Turning mistakes into stepping stones for success. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

Sep
30

Stop Bullying Now

by CCCOC Resources in Active, Blog, Bullying Comments: 0 tags: App For Parents, Child Therapy, Schools, Social, Stop Bullying Now
Sep
17

Deceived – Hope for Healing after an Affair

by Dr. Peonita Harris, Psy.D., LMFT, CSAT in Active, Adult Relationships, Blog Comments: 0 tags: Betrayal, Betrayed, Communication, Couples, End The Affair, Forgiveness, Intimacy, Marriage, Rebuilding, Relationship, Sex, Shame, Unfaithful

In the wake of the Ashley Madison scandal, the topic of how to recover from an affair has been heard frequently on media sites. At the core of discovering an affair are the feelings of deceit and betrayal. If you have been affected by a partner’s sexual infidelity, you might be feeling devastated, overwhelmed, hurt, sad, alone, and confused. You may have attempted to make sense of the impact and you might wonder how did you miss the signs. You might also blame yourself. Please know that it is not your fault, and you deserve the time to sort through your feelings and take care of yourself (and your children, if you have any). There are many types of affairs, including one-night stands to electronic affairs, which include cybersex relationships, email and texting intimate relationships, as well as visiting escort services. Regardless of the type of affair you might have discovered, you feel betrayed and deceived.

The discovery of an affair presents like a traumatic event. You might feel disoriented and confused. This is similar to what we see in victims of tremendous loss. You might experience flashbacks of the details of the discovery, paralyzing memories and dreams. You might also experience emotional triggers, which could be anything from hearing a phrase, seeing a color or walking past a place that triggers the memory of the affair. You might also feel despair, anger and rage.

For those who are looking for the answer to “why did this happen”? Many factors can contribute to a spouse being unfaithful, and many of those factors have nothing to do with sex. Affairs are symptoms of a larger intrapersonal problem that presents in a painful interpersonal experience. Some of the issues behind affairs are sexual addiction, low self-esteem, alcoholism, selfishness, and personality challenges. Also, problems in the marriage that have been building for years can leave the door open for an affair. Please keep in mind regardless of the reason behind the affair the unfaithful partner bears the responsibility of being honest about the affair and telling the truth. It takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face what they have done to the relationship and their partner and to deal with their character flaws and to move forward and earn forgiveness and hopefully regain trust.

Mending the Relationship

If you are deciding to stay in the relationship after the betrayal has been discovered, the process of rebuilding trust after an affair is beyond difficult. Keep in mind that you can only be ready to rebuild trust after going through denial, shock, anger, rage, and then acceptance and walking through forgiveness. This can take anywhere from 18 months to 3 years, as long as there are no other reoccurring, inappropriate incidences. By engaging in an affair, the foundation of the relationship has been impacted, which means that trust, honor, and commitment are damaged and will need to be repaired. Also, your perception of the marriage with your partner is now tainted. Additionally, making the decision to stay in the marriage can be difficult. You might be ambivalent, feeling as if you want the marriage to work one day and the next day you might be ready to call an attorney and walk out. Rebuilding trust can vary depending on the lived experiences of the person who has been betrayed. The person who had the affair will have to demonstrate that they can be trusted again. This will require consistency, honesty and transparency. If you are deciding to leave the relationship, you will still need to do work to heal from the betrayal so that the pain is not carried over into another relationship. Please contact a licensed mental health clinician to help you walk through the pain and healing.

Recovery comes in phases. There are several steps to recovery from an affair, but before those steps are taken, you must first attend to your immediate needs. Try to get your regular amount of sleep and rest, eat balanced meals, find someone who you trust and who is trustworthy to talk to, preferably a therapist, and get exercise.

  1. Acknowledge what you are feeling – you (the betrayed partner) might be flooded with intense feelings. Take time to acknowledge the loss and violation that you are feeling. The unfaithful partner might have overwhelming guilt and shame, but no matter what the unfaithful partner is feeling, it cannot compare to what the betrayed partner is experiencing.
  2. Thinking about a strategy – there are really only four options you have: (i) to leave the relationships; (ii) to remain in the marriage, acknowledged the betrayal happened and not revisit this painful event again; (iii) to stay in the relationship and put blinders on, which would allow for the affair to continue or happen again; and (iv) to remain in the marriage and commit to working through this difficult time with the goal of identifying why it happened, forgiveness and rebuilding trust.
  3. Be realistic about the outcome of your decision and your expectations.
  4. Whether you go or stay, you will need communication skills. If you go, you will need to know how to communicate through the breakup; and if you stay, you will need to know how to communicate through the healing. So, make learning communication skills a priority.

The stages for recovery for the person who was unfaithful:

  1. End the affair.
  2. Discuss the affair and what happened with your spouse.
  3. Do not lie, be honest.
  4. Be accountable to a group, your pastor or a good friend.
  5. Apologize.
  6. Get into marriage therapy, or individual therapy.
  7. Work through the root cause of the affair.

The stages for recovery for the person who was betrayed:

  1. Take care of yourself.
  2. Do not make any major decisions, if that is possible.
  3. Make a list of your needs and be honest.
  4. Engage in conversations with your spouse with the intent of getting information that will help you, but keep in mind you will be exposed to additional pain. These conversations should last no longer than 30 minutes at a time. Based on the information that you receive, you might need to consider other options in the relationship.
  5. Set boundaries and expectations.
  6. Get into marriage therapy, or individual therapy.
  7. Work through the feelings of betrayal and deception.

Discovering an affair does not mean that your life is over. It can mean that you are starting to build on a stronger, transparent foundation. It can also mean that you learn to state your needs and feelings and that you get to know a part of yourself that wasn’t clear to you prior to the affair. It can also mean that the both of you can make a new commitment to a deeper level of trust, transparency and intimacy. This is indeed a process that requires many steps, patience and prayer.

Dr. Peonita Harris is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has a doctorate in clinical psychology, certified sexual addiction therapist candidate, and is an ordained minister. Dr. Harris has been practicing for over 15 years as a pastoral counselor and a marriage and family therapist. Her primary area of care is relationships, intimacy and sexual concerns.

Booklist

  • Intimate Treason: Healing the trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction by Claudia Black
  • Shadows of the Cross by Craig Cashwell, Pennie Johnson, and Patrick Carnes
  • Facing Heartbreak – Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stefanie Carnes
  • Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes
  • Torn Asunder by Dave Carder
  • Back from Betrayal: Recovering from his Affairs by Jennifer Schneider
  • A Couple’s Guide to Sex Addiction: A Step-By-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy by Paldrom and George Collins
  • Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age by Robert Weiss and Jennifer Schneider
  • Cruise Control, Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men by Robert Weiss
  • When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum
  • Surviving an Affair by Willard F. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers
  • Someone Right for You by Edward A. Dreyfus
  • After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring

 

Aug
28

Back to School & Stress

by Mental Health America in Active, Blog, Child Behavior Comments: 0 tags: Back, Child Behavior, Child Therapy, School, Schools, Stress

If your child’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors were causing them to struggle, would you know how to talk to them about it? If they came to you looking for help, would you know what to do?

Cornerstone Counseling Center of Chicago