10 Ways To Work On Your Marriage

Marriage takes work.

I am a firm believer in this statement. The research and my work with couples for almost three decades has consistently confirmed that it takes intentional effort to keep a marriage thriving. This is a launching pad for you to put in the work, especially if your marriage is not working.

1. Have a plan

Ben Franklin said “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. People create mission statements, vision statements, and goals for a business venture. They will put hours of effort into the details of preparing their summer vacation. But do you meet, strategize, and set goals for your marriage? If you fail to plan…

2. Commitment

Drs. John and Julie Gottman in their Sound Relationship House model for healthy marriages have established two walls that hold the house up. One wall is commitment. In my experience of officiating many weddings in my years as a Christian pastor, one of my three keys that I would tell each couple for unlocking a successful marriage is commitment. If you want to work on your marriage, assess your level of commitment.

3. Trust

The other wall that the Gottman’s point to that holds the relationship house together is trust. They point toward five ways to work on trust. Often when a marriage isn’t working, it is because trust feels fragile or has been fractured.

4. Time

Building something that will last takes time. Be cautious about purchasing the affordable home that was built in a few weeks. There are products on the market to lose weight fast, but that does not mean that weight won’t be back in a few years (or a few weeks). If you want your marriage to work, then your marriage should take up time on your calendar.

5. Social support

There are many proven benefits of how strong social connections help a person’s emotional well-being. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships did a study that showed the correlation between external social support and marital satisfaction. Dance classes, bowling leagues, church groups, and sporting events don’t have to be in competition with marriage. In fact, in the right proportion, they may actually benefit your marriage.

6. Communication

Countless books have been written, courses have been taught, and antidotes offered about communication. And yet, most of us still have a lot to learn. The Gottman’s talk about Building Love Maps as a way to describe ways to connect. I offer my clients different tools and psycho education about improving communication. The Bible instructs us that “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”. There is much work that can be done on a marriage in this area.

7. Conflict management skills

Let me tell you a secret, all relationships have conflict. Maybe you already realized this. Since this is true, work must be done to manage conflict. The Gottman Institute warns of the Four Horseman that destroy relationships and offer antidotes to them. If your marriage is constantly in gridlock, you may need to work on improving how you manage conflict.

8. Faith

I will always advocate for the important role that a faith community can have in supporting and enhancing a marriage. The research on this offers mixed findings. Some research points towards a clear correlation of people actively involved in a faith community reporting higher satisfaction in marriage. Other research suggests no quantifiable difference in satisfaction rates. I personally have seen the benefits in my 27 years of marriage of being actively involved in a local church and how that group has supported my marriage through the ups and downs of life.

9. Fun

It has been said that marriages that play together stay together. The Gottman Institute points toward playfulness, adventure, and having fun together as ways that you Create a Shared Sense of Meaning. We must work on taking time to have fun. When was the last time you did something fun with your spouse?

10. Keep working

As I said at the beginning, marriage takes work. So to keep a marriage working, you have to keep working at it. Part of how you work on your marriage is to keep working to improve it as the years pass by. It can get better if you put in the work.