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Summertime Stress Got You Down?


That time of year is almost here again: summertime! Yippee! Time for fun in the sun, lemonade stands, waterparks, and barbecues. What a great few months, right? Or, it should be, anyway. Summertime can be when we relax and enjoy the beautiful weather, but it sometimes ends up causing us more stress than we bargain for. Like getting the family packed up for an outing, and keeping the kids occupied since they’re no longer in school. How do we keep summer from being a bummer? How can we make this pleasant time of year less stressful?

Chill Out!

When the heat gets to be too much and your AC has turned your home into a meat locker, take the time to go outside and sit in the shade. The fresh air and natural sunlight will be refreshing and pleasant once you’ve had a chance to cool off inside. Take a book with you, or just lie on the grass and look up at the clouds, trees, flowers, etc. It’s amazing the little things in life we forget about, like the beauty of a budding blossom, which can remind us not to take ourselves too seriously. Take a quick moment to close your eyes, and imagine yourself lying on a beach and enjoying an ocean view. This quick mental vacation will help you relax and refocus.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade!

The stress of trying to find different activities to keep the kids entertained can not only be exhausting, but costly. Why not check your local town or city’s events and summer festivals? Your neighborhood park district and town always has something going on, but their marketing budgets may not be big enough to make you aware of the great free events all summer long. Check out the local paper, town website, park district and library bulletins to see free activities in your area. Here are a few links to get you started:

Fun & Free Chicago Summer Activities – https://www.choosechicago.com/things-to-do/parks-and-outdoors/free-summer-park-activities/

Chicago Park District Movie Night – http://www.chicagoparkdistrict.com/events/movies/

Chicago Summer Dance – https://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/dca/supp_info/chicago_summerdance.html/

Water You Doing?

Who doesn’t want to go to the pool or the beach? Sometimes, the pool fees, and gas it takes to get to your closest body of water can be draining. The good ol’ water hose in your back yard can also feel relaxing, and break up the burden of carrying a heavy beach bag and putting more miles on your car. Jumping through the sprinkler a few times can give kids the giggles, ease your wallet, and lessen your stress.

Whatever you do this summer, don’t let the humdrum of summer shenanigans keep you from enjoying this beautiful time of year. Summer is for sunshine and sojourning, so remember to take a break, and stop and smell the roses.

Reading between the Lines: Why You Should Pay Attention to 13 Reasons Why


For some, entertainment is an escape from our daily lives, but for many others entertainment is a sensationalized account of real issues we may face. “13 Reasons Why” originally published as a young adult novel, was subsequently adapted into a series by Netflix. The series chronicles the life and subsequent suicide of teenager Hannah Baker. In the series, Hannah posthumously provides 13 cassette tapes to fellow teenagers she has come in contact with, detailing the trauma she and others endured in the weeks prior to her death.

The dark turn of the show may make it difficult for some viewers to watch, covering topics such as drug abuse, sexual assault, bullying, and suicide. While the show is effective in pulling the viewer in, it does little to prepare the viewer for what’s to come, which begs the question: when is it appropriate to address the topics of sexual abuse and suicide?

To answer this question, it is first essential that parents and educators become familiar with the content described in this series, thus providing a basis for future conversations. What “13 Reasons Why” has accomplished is opening the dialogue surrounding assault and suicide between adults and teenagers. For many, the unimaginable trauma of suicide and sexual assault, which is vividly played out on the screen for viewers to watch, is a subject that is not easily broached, however, it allows adults to empathetically gaze at the issues many teenagers face.

As parents and professionals, it is important that the conversations surrounding sexual assault and suicide be had, no matter how difficult they may be. Discussing the depictions and representations of each character may alleviate some of the concerns parents may experience, as well as allow parents the opportunity to correct some of the inaccuracies presented in the series. As teenagers who may view the series, it is imperative that it be known that there will be someone who takes these issues seriously and is willing to address them. For each of us, the series can shine a light on the importance of being intentional in how we interact with each other and how we respond to those hurting or in need of support.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention lifeline, a 24-hour free and confidential service, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

To speak with someone regarding the issue of sexual assault please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, available 24 hours a day, at 1-800-656-4673.

Additionally, if you or someone you know is affected by the topics discussed in the series, please feel free to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists here at Cornerstone by calling our Intake Department at 312-573-8860.

13 Reasons Why: Glorifying Suicide, Increasing the Risk


’13 Reasons Why’ has sparked a buzz in popular culture since its full release on March 31st. I must admit, this Netflix Original’s constant praise on social media sparked an intrigue. I wanted to know more. So I did. I began by reading the description and was immediately taken aback. As a mental health professional, I thought, “this is downright disturbing and dangerous.” The content and the buzz. And while it is important to raise awareness of the agony that can lead to suicide, and the physical pain of self-harm, it is equally as important to do so in a responsible way. Romanticizing suicide in ’13 Reasons Why’ is irresponsible, and here are 3 reasons why:

There is no single cause for suicide. The series follows the fictional story of the suicide of a teenager, Hannah Baker, through cassette tapes through which Hannah blames specific people for her suicide. This is the first danger. Assigning blame to others is a projection of misplaced feelings of guilt. It is also inaccurate. The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFSP) indicates that “Suicide most often occurs when stressors exceed current coping abilities of someone suffering from a mental health condition.” Therefore, instead of teaching our culture to assign blame for high-risk behavior, our responsibility is to teach healthy coping skills as a preventative factor of suicide.

Exposure Increases Risk. The season finale includes a scene that graphically depicts the violent suicide of Hannah Baker. It is important to note that the target audience for ’13 Reasons Why’, unsurprisingly, is the teenage and young adult population. This is also the population for which suicide is listed as the second leading cause of death (ages 15-24). More importantly, “exposure to another person’s suicide, or to graphic or sensationalized accounts of suicide, increases risk of suicide. (AFSP)” Therefore, graphically depicting suicide to the population of highest incidence is dangerous, specifically for the at-risk youth, vulnerable to suicide.

Who can I talk to? The season finale also includes a scene where Hannah Baker decides to talk to her school counselor. As a mental health professional, this scene is troubling. The school counselor acknowledges one of the signs of suicide yet does not take action for follow-up (i.e. risk assessment). The counselor also makes assumptions about the student’s social behavior which does not foster a safe space for disclosure. To model a counselor as one that does not take appropriate action, and does not foster a safe space, leaves the audience with the message that no one can be trusted. This is a serious danger because it eliminates yet another preventative measure (i.e. talking to a trusted adult). Eliminating preventative factors for at-risk individuals can increase the risk of suicide.

While I do commend the producers of ’13 Reasons Why’ for taking the challenge of presenting an engaging and relatable series on a serious and under-discussed concern in the United States, there was a grave missed opportunity for preventive messaging. Therefore, it is important to note that help is available and individuals who actively manage their mental health conditions lead fulfilling lives.

If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, go to the nearest emergency room and/or please call, The National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

 

Below are additional resources to learn more:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

https://afsp.org/

 

Risk Factors and Warning Signs

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/

 

A Teachable Moment: Webinar from AFSP, ASCA, and NASP

Teachable Moment Using “13 Reasons Why” to Initiate a Helpful Conversation About Suicide Prevention and Mental Health

https://afsp.org/campaigns/look-ways-mental-health-awareness-month-2017/

What is your parenting style?


Authoritarian Parenting

In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.”

 

Authoritative Parenting

Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative.”

 

Indulgent Parenting

Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are usually nontraditional and lenient. Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children. This style of parenting should be careful not to take on the status of a friend more than a parent.

 

Uninvolved Parenting

An uninvolved parenting style if characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.

 

The Impact of Parenting Styles

What effect do these parenting styles have on child development outcomes?

  • Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.
  • Authoritative parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful.
  • Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and trend to perform poorly in school.
  • Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.

Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing competent children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child development today and tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.

Letting Go To Grow


Philippians 4:8

Finally, my sisters – whatever is true, whatever is honorable, what is right, what is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

  1. Position yourself in the future – get a positive view of the future will help you let go of a negative past. This is hard. Negative experiences just don’t fade away. Neuroscience of the brain indicates that we have an area of the brain that is called the episodic area. In this area we house events. We were created to remember so there are three things that will help with letting go of a negative past – (i) intentionally; (ii) create a vision board to assist you; (iii) set some steps. Learn to be present and stay in the present as you note your thoughts and feelings that connect you to what is good, what is lovely and what is of a good report.
  1. Discard the old – look around at your space, what reminds you of the thing, event, thought that you are trying to let go? Whatever it is start small and recreate. Redecorate a room, create piles that are keep, toss or transfer and then move forward with those things.
  1. Repair – acknowledge if what you are letting go of you played a part in the hurt, pain or disappointment. If you can, reach out to that person, have a face to face or write a letter expressing your part and your remorse. If you cannot reach out to that person, write an unmailable letter expressing your part and remorse.
  1. Rewrite your narrative – this allows you to take your power back. It places you in the position of victor and not victim. Therapist call this cognitive re-framing – God has given us the power to write our stories. Look at the loss as a release. An open door to create something new and refreshing.
  1. Forgive – discharge the debt, do what needs to be done to not have offense repeated (redefine the relationship); acknowledge the mess, the cost, the pain as well as the short and long term consequences of the offense, it is a process, not a one-time decision.

Demystifying Your Child’s Misbehavior


Understanding the misbehavior of children can be quite challenging at times, as their misconduct can present as a mystery to not only their parents, but the reasoning behind their misconduct is often unknown to the children themselves. Evidence of this can be seen when children say, “I don’t know” in response to their parents who ask them, “Why did you do that?” I want to help you answer this very question by explaining the hidden messages that often lie beneath your child’s misconduct, and lend you a few suggestions as to what to do when certain misbehavior occurs.

All people, including children, are driven by a desire to belong and feel significant within their relationships, especially within their family relationships (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1990; Nelson, 2006). As a result, children often misbehave because they want to feel important or belong, but they’re unaware that they’re doing this. Misbehavior occurs when children develop mistaken beliefs or incorrect ideas about how they can feel important or belong, and it’s often at the expense of other people’s feelings (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1990; Nelson, 2006). Most misbehavior falls into one of four categories known as the Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior, and they include the following: 1) Undue Attention; 2) Misguided Power; 3) Revenge, and 4) Assumed Inadequacy (Nelson, 2006).

The Mistaken Goal of Undue Attention suggests that some children unconsciously believe that they’re not significant or that they don’t belong unless they keep adults busy with them (Nelson, 2006). An example of this is when your child annoys or irritates you by making constant noise after you have told him or her to stop numerous times. Truthfully, the hidden message beneath your son or daughter’s behavior is that “I want you to notice me” or “Involve me usefully.” One of the ways that you can respond to this is by touching them gently and looking at them while nodding your head “no” without saying a word. This practice is known as acting without speaking. Another response is giving your child a task to do so that their need for attention can be satisfied by being acknowledged for completing a task that is of help to you. Additionally, you can plan individual time with your child so that they have something to look forward to, and they can thus receive uninterrupted attention from you (Nelson, 2006).

Next is the Mistaken Goal of Misguided Power, which means that some children hold the mistaken belief that they are not significant or that they don’t belong unless they prove to others that they are the boss and that no one can control them (Nelson, 2006). An example of this is when you may tell your child to put his or her shoes on, and he or she responds with “No” or they take a long time to carry out the task. In situations such as this, you are likely to feel angry or defeated. Often, the coded message behind such behavior is that “I want a choice.” You can direct this need for power in a positive direction by giving your child limited options (i.e. “I need you to put your shoes on. You can wear the red shoes or the blue shoes, which ones do you want to wear?”) (Nelson, 2006).

The third Mistaken Goal is that of Revenge (Nelson, 2006). This goal is likely at play when a child damages a parent’s property or calls a parent a hurtful name. The coded message is that “I’m hurting, and I want you to feel my hurt” or “I need you to validate my feelings.” In order to address a scenario like this, a useful intervention is to acknowledge the hurt feelings (i.e. “Okay, given that you called me that name, I can tell you’re angry with me. Tell me what’s going on.”). It’s important that you don’t retaliate or hurt your child more at that moment by punishing them, and that reflective listening is used (i.e. “Okay, I hear you, and I see why that upset you.”) (Nelson, 2006).

The last Mistaken Goal is Assumed Inadequacy (Nelson, 2006). This goal is often present when a child stops putting forth effort into his or school work or says, “I just can’t do it.” The truth is that they’re often afraid of failing, so they simply forgo trying. The coded message behind their behavior is that “I need you not to give up on me.” These children are the most discouraged, and they need regular encouragement. In order to help your child if he or she presents this way, it is important that tasks are broken down into small achievable steps and that you acknowledge them for their effort and hard work. Additionally, it’s important that all criticism stops, and that you focus on your child’s strengths and not their weaknesses. For example, if a child has brought home all ‘F’s in the past, and he or she turns one of those ‘F’s into a ‘C’, it’s important that this is recognized by saying something like, “Oh my goodness, you brought that F up to a C! I’m so proud of you! This is a testament to how hard you’ve worked. Keep working hard and I know the other grades will improve too.”

In conclusion, I hope that I’ve been able to make your child’s misbehavior a lot less mysterious. It’s important to remember that when you catch your child exhibiting any of the characteristics that were described, the coded messages behind the behavior are often nobler than the surface behavior may lead you to believe. If you keep this in mind, it’ll help you to keep your anger in check and also to help you to get back to enjoying your children again.


Dreikurs, R. & Soltz, V. (1990). Children: The challenge. Plume: New York, NY.

Nelson, J. (2006). Positive discipline. Ballantine Books: New York, NY.

Tips for Back-to-School


The back-to-school season can be stressful for everyone involved. As parents, we want our children to have the best school year yet. Parents, here are three tips to keep in mind while supporting your children to prepare for the upcoming school year.

1.       Remember that this is a time of mixed emotions.

Dread. Excitement. Worry. All these (and more) are experienced as the return to school draws near and each is a very real part of the back-to-school process. See if you can think back to your school days and what this season was like for you. Although this isn’t exactly what your child is experiencing (because everyone’s experience is unique), it can help parents remember that there is more to this time of year than our excitement that the kids are out of the house after all summer home. Check in with your child about his/her thoughts and feelings about going back to school and watch for clues that can give insight into his/her perspective about this time of year.

2.       Create and follow a routine.

Transitions are difficult, and the transition into a new school year is no different. Transitions often trigger emotional distress; routines can help to decrease and manage the stress that may arise. Some important things to think about when working to develop a routine include sleep, healthy food, homework time, fun time, and relaxing time. Beginning the routine before the first day of school can help your child more slowly transition back into the school year rather than abruptly going from a fun summer to sitting in a classroom.

3.       Prepare in advance.

Taking time to visit the school before the first day can decrease some of the stress of the first weeks of school. Help your student find his/her classroom(s) and work together to make sure he/she can confidently open that pesky locker. If your child is attending a new school building, figure out where the office, bathrooms, gym, and cafeteria are located. After purchasing all of the necessary school supplies, take time to organize the supplies and put your child’s backpack together so it is ready for the first day. Help your child decide what clothes he/she will wear and what he/she wants to eat for lunch. These aspects of preparation can happen well before the last days of summer and can help to decrease the stress of the quickly approaching first day of school. If your child has received special services at school in the past, reach out to school staff to ensure that all necessary supports are in place for the first day of school.

Although these strategies can be helpful for many students, each child and family is unique and you are the expert about your child/family. Thinking through what has helped your child during previous transitions and back-to-school seasons can help you generate more ideas of how to best support your child in the midst of this season.

Resources:
Back to School Psychology 101: Tips for Parents. Retrieved from http://www.massgeneral.org/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=3716
Dealing with the back-to-school blues? Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/school-rush.aspx

Do Children Actually Need Therapy? An Insightful Look into the World of Child and Adolescent Therapy


shutterstock_66823009As a clinical therapist, who specializes in working with children and adolescents, I have been asked why children would ever need therapy. My answer is this: Why does anyone ever need therapy?

People seek therapeutic services for a variety of reasons. Some seek therapy to aid them through a life transition, a death of a loved one, a divorce, a mental disorder or a trauma (to list a few). Life is full of twists and turns; it is full of unexpected challenges. Individuals face an array of challenges throughout their lifetime. However, should a trauma, transition or learning disorder occur during childhood and adolescence, the individual may face a different set of obstacles.

Science shows that the human brain is not fully developed until the age of 25 (Aamodt, 2011). Therefore, any traumatic event that happens during the adolescent life stage occurs while the brain is still developing, meaning the individual simply does not have the cognitive function to react or process the way adults do. One such example is suppressed memories. The brain, while in the developmental stage, will often shut down in response to a trauma in order to survive (Ferrara, 2002). If a child is raped, and they do not understand the concept of abuse or sex, they simply have no way to process the event, but they must go on. This is when the child or adolescent’s brain goes into survival mode, and shields the child from the memory until it can be processed at a later time (Ferrara, 2002). Not all children who experience a traumatic event will suffer from suppressed memories. However they will likely respond in drastically different ways than adults.

One situation I often see in my practice, is a child suffering from grief and depression due to divorce. Children of divorce often harbor anger, the emotion that hides true feelings: hurt, confusion and grief (Luepnitz, 2002). Due to the stage of brain development, a child may respond to the divorce by acting out: negative or destructive behaviors, temper tantrums, bullying, sulking, withdrawal, etc (Ferrara, 2002). Should one ask the child why they are acting in such a manner, and they respond ‘I don’t know’, one should not assume they are lying. They truly may not connect the event (divorce) to their feelings (hurt, confusion) to their actions (disruptive behaviors). This is where therapy may be help the child and the family.

To help a child process and grow beyond a negative event, one must step into their world, and a child’s world is based around play. Children cannot sit still and have a 50-minute conversation about their feelings like adults do; thus child therapists use many tools, such as games, art, role playing, workbooks and music to appeal to the client’s development stage. They are stepping into the child’s world, that they might help them to process in a safe place and learn healthy, age appropriate coping mechanisms. Children need therapy much like adults need therapy. Yet children need therapeutic interventions that are tailored to their life, needs and developmental stage of life.

To learn more about services for children, adolescents or teens please click here. To schedule an appointment for your child or family click here.

 

 

References:

Aamodt, S (2011, October 10). Brain maturity extends well beyond teen years: NPR. NPR: National public radio: news and analysis, world, us, music and arts: NPR. Retrieved April 30, 2016, from http:// www.npr.org/tempates/story/story/php?story Id=141164708

Ferrar, F.F. (2002). Childhood sexual abuse: Developmental effects across the lifespan. California:Wadsworth Publishing.

Luepnitz, D. A. (2002). The family interpreted: psychoanalysis, feminism, and family therapy. New York, N.Y.: Basic Books.

Dreams for Our Children


Many parents have hopes and dreams of what their child will do or become in life. Do the goals that you have for your child line up with the goals that they have for themselves? If you are not sure how to answer this question, this may be a great conversation to have with your child.

Many children have big dreams of what they want to be when they become adults. Let’s nurture that hope and help them develop a plan and then set them on a path to achieve that goal.

You may be wondering, “How do I go about doing this for my child?“

That’s a great question.

Many parents want great things for their child, hoping that their children can have opportunities and experiences they feel they have missed in their own childhood. This may lead many parents to feel anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of helping their child plan for their future: Many people have experienced the shattering of their own dreams after being a hopeful child and excited about the future. After these painful experiences it can be very scary to face an unknown future and the possibility one’s own child may also experience the same kind of hurt.

What can I do to help my child achieve their goal(s)?

  1. Have a conversation about what their goal(s) are. If they are not sure what their goals are, encourage them on what you’ve noticed that they are good at and just start the conversation. Children want to share their life with their parents (even when they say they don’t). Children long for their parent’s approval. Your child wants your support more than any other person.
  2. If you do not know who your child’s school counselor is, call the school and ask. Your child’s school counselor has a wealth of experience in helping children plan and begin working toward current and future goals. Create a working relationship with the school counselor to ensure your child has all the support they need from the school and from you to achieve their current and future goals.
  3. Ensure your child has regular attendance at school. If your child is reluctant to participate in school or resistant to attend, there is a reason. There are many reasons why a child may refuse to attend school and whatever they are, they need to be identified so that you can help your child overcome barriers to achieving their goals in life. If you are having a difficult time identifying what that reason is or how to manage the situation, reach out to the school counselor or a therapist. There are many people ready and willing to help you support your child in achieving their highest potential.

 

5 Local Family Activities You Can Do This Summer


One of the most important ways to help children transition from the school year to the summer is provide structure to their vacation. Planning family outings and activities keep your kids learning while out of school, and give them a memorable summer experience. Listed below are 5 free activity ideas in the city that will help keep your children busy, engaged, and away from the T.V. Read more!

Cornerstone Counseling Center of Chicago